Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When he asks for feet pics
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.