Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
ME: No… no, not better.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first