@Book_Krazy

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

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@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

@E_lok44

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

@PunkHistory

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

@LizHackett

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

@SteveKoehler22

When I hear the word “aftermath” –
it always makes me hungry.

At school, lunch period followed
Math class, so we ate “aftermath”

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”