Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos