@Book_Krazy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

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@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

@PoorEvelyn

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@roadkill3x

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”