@Book_Krazy

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

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@jessiejess1228

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

@radtoria

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@robdelaney

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

@Quartzjixler

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.