Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*


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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.


Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider


Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.


i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.


If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday


Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.