Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively