Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheDailySchmuck

Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*

@rpbateman

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

@BakedBrotatoes

HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

GET YOUR VACCINE AT WALGREENS TODAY

@nettie0918

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

@Quartzjixler

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

@Darlainky

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@_Shizzle

Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@beermanboobs

*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.