Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”