@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

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@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@TheOnion

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

@weinerdog4life

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@AaronFullerton

USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”