Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.