Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Never be a pizza!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.