Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*