@Sandrahadenough

Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”

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@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@JermHimselfish

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

@daniel_shaw

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.