@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

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@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

@yaboydil

Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@BoogTweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

@pilau

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

@daemonic3

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri