Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

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Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor


My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.


For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.


Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles


A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.


Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*


To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri