Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me


[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.


I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill


So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.


ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.


Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.


I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet