Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.