Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?
ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!