Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.