@NikatNiteNite

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

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@heatherlou_

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@jake_lach

I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying

@maurex23

“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

@Scorpio1080

I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.

@jazmasta

Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”

@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@copymama

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.