Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
me linking you to my twitter
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see