Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.