Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
so much to do
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.