Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Sending in my taxes
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…