Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
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Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.