@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

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@LeafsCommunity

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@reycarlos_88

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

@alexlumaga

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@seanmoriartyMV

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

@robots_feel

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.