Watson was Holmes schooled
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*Seductively hides in the woods
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song