Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
asked my bf how work was today
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.