@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

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@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@UncleDuke1969

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@Cheeseboy22

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@timdonakowski

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.