@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

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@NECROMANClNG

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

@TweetPotato314

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

@LoveNLunchmeat

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

@TheRealRHB

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

@kendragaylord

Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.