me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.