Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
You Might Also Like
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)