Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You Might Also Like
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Seek kebab; not attention
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“no gods no masters” = leo
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property