Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.