Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
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I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or