My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: