Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
(Gaming support cat.)
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.