Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Thursday Thought.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next