My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,