Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down