Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Batman v Dracula
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
You are not alone 💚
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Geez man, take it easy.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“You’d better run, egg!”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.