Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
He just like my cat fr
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
time for some seasonal decor
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.