Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
first you must answer his riddles
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.