Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever