Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.