@thisislizz
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
@CommonSavant
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
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@thisislizz
@SentenceReduced
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
@JulianLeeComedy
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
@GirrlGenius
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
@minkahunter
once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.
when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.
@TheMichaelRock
My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
@PressOneForNo
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
@Jeffwni
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
@QwertyJones3
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
@PatsATweetin
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?