get you a girl who
You Might Also Like
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken