Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:
“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
She said she was turned on by men who took risks.
So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex