Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

@DanMentos

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

@ratamack

I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

@julcasagrande

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

@salazarsboxing

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex