people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
You Might Also Like
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.