Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.

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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.


I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.


That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.


Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.


I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, “Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?”


ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT


If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.


Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.