@jabba_jabba_jaw

Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.

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@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@Bandersnaaatch

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@Cheeseboy22

I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, “Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?”

@Rollmaninoz

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

@arielleBigBlue

If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.

@DadInUtah

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.