@gitson_shiggles

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

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@thinkingparsnip

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@UnrealRogue

Get a free debt analysis by visiting your parents this holiday.

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@Ramitology

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

@zachreinert03

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.