Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

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(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.


me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love


Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like


People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”


teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?


My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.


I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.


My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.


Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.


Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.