@gitson_shiggles

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

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@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@FatherWithTwins

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@MarfSalvador

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@CarrieMayhem

I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.

@CA_Country

My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.

@Stella1070

Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.