Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!