Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
You Might Also Like
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.