@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

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@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@SJKSalisbury

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

@UnFitz

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

@Fred_Delicious

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.