huge if true: the moon
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away