Huge, if true.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now