Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.