HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!

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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.


My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.


Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs


The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday


Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.


ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.


GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.