Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
nice challenge
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”