@Alex_LaVallee

HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!

You Might Also Like

@4SLars

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

@ericsshadow

My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

@kv8

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

@Mr_Kapowski

Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs

@XplodingUnicorn

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

@Vodkantots

Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.