Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’d use my best pan on you.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.