@brendonwalsh

Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.

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@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

@prufrockluvsong

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@d_duhwit

Possum man
Possum man
Does the 1 thing a possum can
Trouble looms
Over head
He gets scared
And plays dead
Look out
it’s just the possum man

@ClichedOut

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@BigTucsonDad

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

@imadepoopstoday

Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.

@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.