Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.

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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


Possum man
Possum man
Does the 1 thing a possum can
Trouble looms
Over head
He gets scared
And plays dead
Look out
it’s just the possum man


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down


me: would not recommend


My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch


Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.


Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.


If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.