Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
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COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Just calm down, loud mask talker.
It’s cloth, not a steel wall.