The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.