If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Does the 1 thing a possum can
He gets scared
And plays dead
it’s just the possum man
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
me: would not recommend
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.