@brendonwalsh

Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.

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@buttgh0st

COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@Book_Krazy

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

@BoomBoomBetty

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

@TheAndrewNadeau

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

@hunbothered

Just calm down, loud mask talker.
It’s cloth, not a steel wall.