Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
You Might Also Like
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.