Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”