I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them