“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: