@donttouchjames

hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother

scientist: that’s not possible

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

@Coops_Bradley

That’s a really big gun in your pants.

And that’s how you get out of a speeding ticket.

@SamGrittner

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

@browneyegirl9

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay