Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother
scientist: that’s not possible
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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*