“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.