hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother

scientist: that’s not possible

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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?


That’s a really big gun in your pants.

And that’s how you get out of a speeding ticket.


I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it


Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.


My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.


[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?


Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay