a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
You Might Also Like
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now